Saturday, March 20, 2010

Cheer Up, MS Has Me on My Birthday...

When I was told that I had MS...let's see who told me, I think it was my parents who told me, or the nurse...kind of foggy on that. I wasn't really expecting it. I was expecting news of a different sort. It could have been the doctor. Yes, it was probably the doctor. Or my parents. I guess it will remain a mystery.

Why can I not remember? Because I was in the hospital for a brain biopsy and being in a drug induced haze while losing a part of my gray matter might have had an effect on my memory? The doctors looked at my MRI and thought brain cancer. I had no fewer than three neurologists from three different institutions look at my MRI and they all said the same thing. You need a biopsy. None of them ever suggested MS and getting a spinal tap done. I call it a spinal tap. Neurologists like to call it a lumbar puncture...probably because of the negative connotation of saying - spinal tap, as if calling it a lumbar puncture is supposed to sound so innocuous and make you feel at ease about it. But, eventually I went through that procedure, too, and believe me, it is not pleasant, so spinal tap, it is.

So, back to the brain biopsy. I can always recount the details of my spinal tap some other day. The day of my brain biopsy was the first time someone suggested MS. It wasn't cancer. Yippee! It was only MS! So, instead of six months of rapidly declining health followed by certain death, I had an indeterminate amount of time to contemplate how it would all end as my health slowly but surely declined at a rate slightly quicker than old age.

So, today I write. Am I cheering you up any?

Today is my birthday and I will spend it by myself. I have no loved one in my life. I have a dog, who appreciates that I feed her and pet her and keep her warm at night. That is not wasted on me. But, I will go though this day and no one will give me a hug. A phone call will have to suffice.

Having MS has held me back. I am lacking the self-confidence to start a relationship with anyone. Not knowing if sometime in the next year I will become wheelchair bound is a hindrance to me. There are other reasons, too, but MS is such a convenient excuse for me. If I don't want to do something, anything, its the MS. I don't treat people badly, don't get me wrong. MS just makes it is just so easy to take the out.

So here I am, by myself. Me and my blog. Talking to talk. Writing to write. I suppose I could put on my happy face and tell you how nice the sun is this morning. But, I would by lying and what is the sense in writing in a blog if you aren't telling the truth? I could say its the MS and I wouldn't be fibbing at all, but surely that isn't everything. I'm feeling alone today. Its just me and my MS coming to you. I am such a liar!

Aren't you glad you stopped by?

Say Happy Birthday, Paul.....


Have Myelin? said...

Happy Birthday Paul!

I have some birthday advice. =)

I have MS (duh) and am deaf and have a new boyfriend. Who knows where the heck I will end up? Not only that I am dealing with the loss of a daughter. He has a LOT to contend with.

I wasn't looking for a boyfriend but he found me somehow.

My point is, you can't let MS be the excuse to not have a relationship. If you don't want one for other reasons that is fine but not because of MS. Sure it will require a special person but that person is out there. Don't let fear stop you.

I use humor (yeah, yeah) to overcome MS follibles and it seems to work with my relationship!

Happy Birthday Paul.

Steph said...

Its a day late, but better than never - Happy (Belated) Birthday Paul!

Anonymous said...

Here it is almost a year later since you wrote this. Are you wheelchair bound? No. Are you stronger? Yes. Happier? Yes, I do believe so.